The Charlie and George Show

(A Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos
parody based on the Amos & Andy Show)

Charlie: (Addressing Barack) Talkin’ at some closed-door fundraiser in San Francisco 10 days ago, ya got ta talkin’ in California ’bout small-town Pennsylvanians. Ya say dey bitta, ‘n dey don’t particularly like people who ain’t like who dey is. Ya sed ya mispoke, ya sed ya mangled what ya sed, d’ya undastand tha’ some people in dis here state find that patronizin’ ‘n think tha’ ya sed wha’ ya meant? How’s ya’ gonna splain that to ‘em?

Barack: The point I was making was that when people feel like Washington’s not listening to them, when they’re promised year after year, decade after decade, that their economic situation is going to change, and it doesn’t, then politically they end up focusing on those things that are constant, like religion.They end up feeling “This is a place where I can find some refugee. This is something that I can count on.” They end up being much more concerned about votes around things like guns, where traditions have been passed on from generation to generation. And those are incredibly important to them.

Hillary: (An angelic looking Clinton, her blond locks and blue contacts making her look especially pure and chaste, answers looking heavenward, like a stoic Lilian Gish) Well, I am the granddaughter of a factory worker from Scranton who went to work in the Scranton lace mills when he was 11 years old, worked his entire life there, mostly six-day weeks. I can see why people would be taken aback and offended by the remarks.

Charlie: We’s gonna have otha’ questions on da same theme, so ya be able t’ get back dat.

George: Le’ me pick up on dis. It gonna be a killer issue in November. Senator Clinton, ya told Bill Richardson dat Senator Obama can’t win. I ain’t gonna ask you ’bout tha’ reconversation. I know ya dunna wanna talk ’bout it. Da question is, d’ya think the boy kin do dat? Kin he win?

Hillary: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Charlie: Ya made a significant speech in dis buildin’ on da subject of race and your former pastor, da Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Ya sed subsequent t’ givin’ dat speech dat ya never heard ‘em say from da pulpit da kinda things dat so has offended peoples. And if ya knew he got rough in sermons, why d’it take ya more d’en a year to publicly disassociate yourselves from his remarks?

Barack: These comments were objectionable; they’re not comments that I believe in. And I disassociated myself with them. What I also said was, the church and the body of Reverend Wright’s work, over the course of 30 years, were not represented in those snippets that were shown on television, and that the church has done outstanding work in ministries on HIV/AIDS, prison ministries, providing people with the kind of comfort that we expect in our churches.

Hillary: (The camera pans the dimly lit crowd, zeroing in on the innocent-looking Chelsea Clinton. she alone is bathed in light, her blond hair softly illuminated by skylights from above) For Pastor Wright to have given his first sermon after 9/11 and to have blamed the United States for the attack, which happened in my city of New York, would have been intolerable for me. I would not have stayed in the church.

George: (Addressing Barack) D’ya think Reverend Wright loves America as much as you do or don’t? And if youse git da nomination, what will ya do when we play dose sermons on da television ag’in and ag’in and ag’in?

Barack: You know, George, look, if it’s not this, then it would be something else. I have confidence in the American people that when you talk to the American people honestly and directly about what I believe in, what my plans are on health care, on energy, when they see my track record of the work that I’ve done on behalf of people who really need help, I have absolute confidence that they can rally behind my campaign. And, you know, the notion that somehow that the American people are going to be distracted once again by comments not made by me but by somebody who is associated with me, that I have disowned, I think doesn’t give the American people enough credit.

George: Ya’ disowned him? (A very strange choice of words, don’t you agree?)

Barack: The comments, comments that I’ve disowned. Then that is not something that I think –

George: But d’ya believe he’s as patriotic as youse is or ain’t?

Barack: This is somebody who’s a former Marine.

Hillary: (Once again speaking to the clouds, eyes turned to an invisible listener above) It is something that I think deserves further exploration. It wasn’t only the specific remarks, but some of the relationships with Reverend Farrakhan, with giving the church bulletin over to the leader of Hamas to put a message in. You know, these are problems, and they raise questions in people’s minds.

Charlie: (Addressing Barack) I has a question that’s all over da internets. I wanna knows if youse believe in da American flag. I am not questionin’ your patriotism, but all our servicemen, policemen and EMS wear da flag. I wanna know why you don’t.

Barack: I have never said that I don’t wear flag pins or refuse to wear flag pins. This is the kind of manufactured issue that our politics has become obsessed with and, once again, distracts us from what should be my job when I’m commander in chief, which is going to be figuring out how we get our troops out of Iraq and how we actually make our economy better for the American people.

George: (Addressing Barack) Senator, if ya git da nomination, ya gonna have to — (applause) — (inaudible). I wanna give Senator Clinton a chance to respond, but first a follow-up on dis issue, da general theme of patriotism in your relationships. A gentleman named William Ayers, he was part of da Weather Underground in da 1970s. Dey bombed da Pentagon, da Capitol ‘n other buildings. He don’t never apologize for dat. And in fact, on 9/11 he was quoted in Da New York Times saying, “I don’t regret setting bombs; I feel we didn’t do enough.” An early organizin’ meetin’ for your state senate campaign was held at his house, and your campaign has sed you is friendly. Kin you splain dat relationship for da voters, ‘n ’splain to Democrats why it ain’t gonna be a problem?

Barack: George, but this is an example of what I’m talking about. And the notion that somehow as a consequence of me knowing somebody who engaged in detestable acts 40 years ago when I was 8 years old, somehow reflects on me and my values, doesn’t make much sense, George.

Hillary: (Undaunted by assaults and threats, she stands proud and defiant) I think it is, again, an issue that people will be asking about.

Barack: by Senator Clinton’s own vetting standards, I don’t think she would make it, since President Clinton pardoned or commuted the sentences of two members of the Weather Underground, which I think is a slightly more significant act than me –

Audience: (Applauds.)

Charlie: Please.

Barack: — than me serving on a board with somebody for actions that he did 40 years ago.

Charlie: And Senator Clinton, Dis is gettin’ out of balance in terms of da time.

Hillary: I’ve noticed. (Laughs.)

Charlie: And youse is gettin’ shortchanged here. And so if you wanna reply here, fine. If ya wanna wait, we’ll do it in da next half hour.

Hillary: We can wait.

Charlie: All right.

George: Senator Obama, last May we done talked ’bout ‘firmative action, ‘n ya sed at da time dat ‘fluent African Americans like your daughters should probably be treated as pretty advantaged when dey apply to da college, and dat poor white children — kids — should git special consideration, ‘firmative action. So, as president, how specifically would ya recommend changin’ ‘firmative action policies so that ‘fluent African Americans ain’t given advantages, and poor, less ‘fluent whites are?

Barack: I still believe in affirmative action as a means of overcoming both historic and potentially current discrimination, but I think that it can’t be a quota system and it can’t be something that is simply applied without looking at the whole person, whether that person is black or white or Hispanic, male or female.

Charlie: We’s runnin’ short on da time. Le’ me just give some quick questions here, and let me give you a minute each to answer. What’s ya gonna do about gas prices? T’is gettin’ to $4 a gallon. Dis is killing truckers.

George: We’s runnin’ outta time for dis segment. Very quickly, for each of youse, 30 seconds. Senator Clinton, ya done said that ya b’lieve in usin’ former presidents. How would ya’ use George W. Bush if youse was president?

Hillary: I’m sure that there will be opportunities to ask all the former presidents to work on behalf of our nation.

Charlie: I think we done and finished up wit’ what I think was a fascinatin’ ‘bate, and I ‘ppreciate both of youse bein’ here.

I hope you enjoyed my version of the Charlie and George Show. A full version of the debate can be found at the New York Times; Transcript Democratic Debate in Philadelphia

Aaron Dahl

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